It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
