I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
