do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
