I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
