just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
