At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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