Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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