You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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