i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
you had me at cake vodka
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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