you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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