the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
