Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
