Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
