it's too hot outside to masturbate.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
