When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
