I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
