Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
