How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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