Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
