I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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