Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
