I skipped work to stalk him.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
