her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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