I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I want a musical about memes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
