I am puke
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
