youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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