It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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