Screwed.edu
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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