Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
