I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
