Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
