so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
