Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
