ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
