You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
In America we eat man semen.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
