i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
