1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
you made out with another girl for some wings
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