this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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