is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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