I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
