Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
