He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
