Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
