So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
