I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
