i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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