Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
