you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize
