My friends, they love my intelligence
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
