a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
barbara walters just said penis...
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
