He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
