I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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