Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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